The new season of Dancing With The Stars aka Dancing With The You May Have Seen Them Somewhere's has begun. I love this show. I actually like most dancing shows. I usually watch them with Xtina and we critique them ad nauseum by text, real-time on FB, AOL IM, we are fluent in a million different types of instant communication, while avoiding speaking on the phone, ever. She's been slow to warm up to Dancing With The Stars, I may have her this year. I hope, I hope. Even though I've never actually taken a dance class in my life, I do like to shake my ass after I've had a few doses of liquid courage, this makes me an excellent judge of true dance talent. Seriously, take a shot of Patron and put on some Katie Perry, you'll instantly agree with my logic.
I was originally disappointed when the new seasons cast was unveiled, not a ringer in the bunch. No Nicole Scherzingeringerlies, no former boy band members, no crazy old ladies with white hair, wrinkly necks and a pair of 20 yr olds gravity defying fake titties. I was wrong. It happens pretty often and I'm woman enough to admit it. (Kinda like how I will always admit when I've farted. You don't have to ask me. Either I'll apologize before you even notice or I'll be doubled over laughing with tears streaming down my face waiting for your reaction. Don't worry my farts are very dainty, I wouldn't even call them farts really, they happen so infrequently they are like little rays of sunshine and they smell like flowers and butterflies, if butterflies smelled like anything.) These cast members are all pretty likeable.
The little blonde Disney chick, Chelsea, is cute as a button and obviously has a dance background somewhere, the Disney factory would have made sure of that; Hines Ward has a smile for days, and looks like one of those people who really loves being alive; the wrestling dude, Chris, is not half as annoying as most over the top wrestling dudes usually are and seems to be really good at math, he adds his scores in his head really quickly, I notice this because I suck at math and still count on my fingers; Sugar Ray is just a legend and seemingly as humble as they come; The Supermodel, Petra, seems sweet and lived through a Tsunami for crying out loud, not that that wasn't mostly luck, but it's still pretty remarkable, she also looks like dog shit without her makeup on and allows herself to be seen on camera anyway, she seems a little nerdy and awkward too, always cool traits in a hot chick; the other down to earth hot chick, Kendra, likes to talk about her stinky armpits which is awesome in my book; Lil Romeo is probably my least fave but his Dad is crazy looking Master P and he seems to have grown up fairly normal; Ralph Macchio
has made me fall in love with him all over again, I remember talking to him on the phone when I was little, he grew up in Dix Hills the next town over from me on Long Island. Somehow me and some friends got a hold of his parents telephone number and called to bug him, he was as sweet as could be and didn't rush us off the phone. Sorry Random thought* remember those Party Lines back in the early 80's? Ya know before the Internet. You'd call a 900# and be connected to a "room" full of other kids and undoubtedly a few pedophiles, where you'd talk about really cool things like school and hanging out and the dudes would ask you what you looked like and you'd lie your ass off and you and your friends would giggle for hours and hours and the boys, with dick in hand and their Moms hand lotion between their fingers, would try to get you to meet up at Friendly's at 10 pm and you'd explain you can't sneak out of the house cause you're only 15 (but really 4 mths shy of your 13th birthday) and they'd call you a "fucking loser" and move on to a chick that lies better than you?...I mean not that I ever called one of those numbers. So anywho, The Macchios changed their telephone number to an unlisted number shortly after that first call we made. Good thinking. You can see Ralph is working his ass off and the man HAS NOT AGED A DAY! 49 YEARS OLD??!! Seriously, amazing. As much as I love him and his sweet Dorian Gray face, I'm Team Kirstie all the way. People had their assumptions of how she was going to do, they thought she'd be an epic train wreck and they based that ALL on her weight issues. The woman used to snort coke to stay thin in Hollywood, she's always been a big girl, just a big girl on speed. I know women in "real life" that do this. Their brains are addled beyond comprehension but, hey, as long as they can wear their teenage daughters jeans, right? Whatever. The woman is also 60? Not that 60 is old, but it's not 20 or 30 or even 40 and those are the women she is competing against. She moves that big white 60 yr old ass pretty damn good. It's plain to see how hard she is working. My wish for her is that she sticks around, loses 40 lbs this season and dances in the Finale in some hot ass dress and tells all the haters to go fuck themselves. Until then, Spanx comes in assorted levels of suckage power, she can even two-ply if she has to. Now...Wendy Williams, ok listen, she has or at one time has been in possession of a penis of her very own, physically attached to her body, a working one from which she urinated. She is transgendered in some way. Please notice the shorts over every pair of leggings in practice footage. Perhaps indicative of a tuck under? Ya know, we all know women that are not feminine, this is not that. Those enormous fake cans are ridiculous, they remind me of Hippity Hops back in the day, I imagine her nipples aren't nipples at all but those rubber rings you grip when you sit your ass down on the bag and hop around your friends cement basement having Hippity Hop relay races. By the way, I have no issues whatsoever with the transgendered community. I just don't like the guessing. I like it the RuPaul way, out and proud. And have you noticed she sounds like an Italian Mom from Staten Island? What is that all about? And the fuschia lipstick...
