"Now, I'm not saying she should have killed him…but I understand".

We all remember that Chris Rock bit about O.J. Simpson, while I don't agree with Mr. Rock's opinions on that particular "alleged" murder, I can say that is EXACTLY how I feel about the Clara Harris case. If you are not familiar with Dr. Clara Harris, who murdered her husband, Dr. David Lynn Harris on July 24, 2002, you can Wiki that mess. I'll explain a little, I'm not going to give you all the details as they've been reported, one because they vary from publication to publication but also because there are facts that cannot be repudiated, the woman killed her husband, running over him with her Mercedes at least twice with his teenage daughter in the car. So awful, so tragic and "I'm not saying that she should have killed him" but here is why I understand…

The unabridged version goes a little something like this, the fucking creep was having an affair with his receptionist. He hired this younger brunette (who ain't cute, if you were wondering) to work as the receptionist at his dental practice, he paid her way too much money for the job she did, gave her bonuses he didn't give to the rest of his staff, like his cock and money and maybe some more of his cock. He and Clara had 3 children together, Clara was also a dentist, at some point she got wind of the affair, confronted him, he apologized and promised her up, down and sideways that he had ended the affair. Like most of us women, Clara figured she had done something to drive her husband into the arms of a home wrecking skank so she started working out extra hard, got some plastic surgery, did anything she could think of to look more attractive for this roaming douche. As time went on Clara started to suspect that the affair was not indeed over as she had been promised. Clara hired a private detective and that's when the episode of "Snapped" got really real for me. But first, a random aside about my one degree of separation from the show "Snapped". (I really hope I'm not the only woman who watches this show on Oxygen. When Jim was pissing me off I used to love to click over to a "Snapped" marathon and just leave it running all day and say something sexy like, "you might wanna sleep with one eye open". So, anywho back to my brush with "fame"…one of the episodes covered the case of Melanie Maguire who was an Infertlity nurse at the clinic I used to go to. While I wasn't a patient when she was still working there the Dr. that she had an affair with and wanted to be with so badly that she killed her husband, cut him into pieces, stuffed him in suitcases and threw those suitcases off the Chesapeake Bay Bridge, did still work there, and on numerous occasions Dr. Bradley Miller was up to his elbow in my vagina. I must say, he was actually a really nice Dr. I couldn't help it though when he was all up in my biz-snatch I did stare at him and think "your dick must be something for some broad to take a hacksaw to her husband". I also used to giddily point him out to Jim whenever he walked into the office. But, he was also the Dr. on call when I miscarried twins and he was wonderful. Very comforting and very supportive. But that mess is a blog post for another day. Now back to Clara…

I promise I'm getting to the point that makes me want her to be a free woman. Stay with me. On the day she killed her husband, Clara had received a call from the detective she hired advising her that her husband was, at that very moment, at a hotel with Skankarella and the detective was in the parking lot waiting for him to leave. Understandably pissed off, Clara flew out the door to her Mercedes. In hot pursuit was her teenage step daughter who was also livid and jumped in the car because she too wanted to confront her Dad. Clara and the kid get to the Hotel, walk into the lobby and here comes the creep and Whoreface down the elevator. Clara and the kid confront him. Clara, incensed, goes to smack Bitchbag and here, my friends, is where I would have blacked out…THE CREEP, IN FRONT OF HIS DAUGHTER, PROTECTING HIS PARTY SNATCH, FROM HIS WIFE, (ya know the one who bore three of his children), GRABS CLARA BY THE HAIR AND THE BACK OF HER NECK, THROWS HER TO THE FLOOR OF THE CROWDED HOTEL LOBBY, SMACKS HER FACE INTO THE COLD, HARD, MARBLE FLOOR AND SCREAMS AT HER THAT THEIR MARRIAGE IS OVER!!!

Ok, I need a sec.

whoo…

Do you feel it girls? That churning in your stomach. Is it just me? Cause I'm typing right now and my fucking nose is sweating. I say to you, if a man I spent the last 12 years of my life with, who promised to love and cherish me, threw me to the floor in front of this slut and countless strangers so that I didn't smack the shit out of her…holy duckbills…I wouldn't have needed the car. (btw "duckbills" was an auto correct and I think it's super cute so I left it) People, I would have killed that mother fucker with my bare hands while telling Slut Cake to get a headstart, ya know, just to make it more fun. Seriously, this is what makes me insane about these long affairs and I'm not talking about a one night stand where some chick offers it up and the dude jumps at it, at this point in my life, I honestly don't even care about a one time momentary lapse in judgement. What I would care about is the emotional, long running affairs where one party is pretending to be a good partner, there has been no request for divorce, no discussion about the marriage not working, that person is just leading a selfish double life. I mean let's face it, the Mistress is getting the cleaned up, romantic, clean shaved sac version of YOUR husband. She isn't washing his dirty underwear, she isn't spreading Steroid cream on his Poison Ivy laden balls, she isn't sniffing the ass of his dockers to see if he can get another day's wear out of them, she's not wiping his ass after he has shoulder surgery. That bitch is getting sexy phone calls, gifts, candle lit dinners, head that last an hour and makes her toes curl, not the lazy ass "i'll give her three licks before I get to stick it". It's just gross. Screwing some random chick to get your rocks off is one thing, giving your heart to someone else is another thing entirely.

I feel desperately sad for Clara Harris. I know there are millions of men and women in this world that get served the same shit sandwich by someone who professes to love them. I understand that those same people don't jump in their car and run their spouse over. I understand too, that in time, many of them get over it and lead successful, happy lives. But, for whatever reason, whether biological or psychological, Clara could not. She lost it, she blacked out. This man wasn't a quality human being, I'm just saying…I get it. Had this been one of my girlfriends I would have been there with her. I would have rushed her out of the hotel, stuck her in the back of the detectives car where she would be safe from herself, gone back into the hotel, marched up to her husband and kicked him in the nuts so hard I would have broken a toe. As for his side piece, I wouldn't even look at her. I'd walk away and leave her holding the douche(bag), he'd only end up playing her the same way one day and that would be revenge enough. Karma, my friends, is pretty wonderful that way.